Avalon and Beyond

Well, I finally got the nerve to weigh myself, and to my horror I was 10 lbs. more than I had thought. So that means I now need to loose at least 100 lbs. It sounds like an impossible task, I can't always get out of the house and away from the kids to do any real exercise because my 5 year old can't keep up my pace when I walk or ride bikes, so I'm going to have to find an exercise I can either do in the house , with him, or get someone to watch him for me.Either way I have to do this, I think that's one reason I never feel good anymore, I put all this weight on during my last pregnancy and never went back to work so I didn't get the exercise I was used to and now look at me. I totally disgust myself, I hate my body and I'm ashamed to go anywhere in public. I know it's common to see obese people out and about, but I can't stand to look at myself and I certainly don't want to force anyone else to do it! I hate myself for getting like this, and the worst of it is I have no support from my family in losing it. My husband and kids make fun of me and my husband constantly brings home fattening stuff he knows I'm trying to stay away from. He doesn't want me to lose this weight, he thinks it's funny that I go for days denying myself sweets ( my weakness) only to break down and eat my fill of it. I do well as far as meals go, I've cut out breads and most pasta, and I don't eat pork or red meat anymore, just white meat chicken and fish. I don't even eat 3 meals a day most of the time, but nothing works, I just can't lose it. I've been to the doctor and told her all this and all she could say to me was "your to fat, don't eat so much" some doctor huh? That's why I don't know what to do about it, I've asked for help and got told that. I don't really think anyone cares, I'm just another fat blob for the world to make fun of. I feel like giving up completely at times, it all seems so pointless, why live when everything you work so hard for is nothing more than a joke to the ones who are supposed to be the closest to you?All I have left to turn to for help now is God, so I'll take my burden to him, I know he's capable of working miracles, so I'll give him a try at this. If nothing happens, I'll just look into other ways of ending this misery.

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Now playing: 嵐 - Carry on
via FoxyTunes

Ohayo minna! Has anyone heard of the Locks of Love program? If not, they are a non-profit organization that provides hairpeices for children that have lost theirs due to cancer therapies or other medical reasons. There are a few requirements for donations but nothing to difficult to abide by. The minimum length accepted for donations is 10 inches, which they ask be tied into a ponytail or braid before cutting. Today me and my daughter both sacrificed our long hair for this cause. My daughter gave 12 inches of hair and I ended up giving up 24 inches of mine. I almost cried when they cut mine, but it didn't seem to faze my daughter in the least. I guess it hurt me to cut mine so much because I haven't cut any real length (outside of trimming split ends) for close to 16 years. Yes it was long, yes it could be a pain to care for, and yes I miss it. But, if it will help out a child in need, I will gladly suck it up and keep telling myself it will grow back. Now it's only a few inches past my shoulders and I feel absolutely naked!! I reckon this will ulitmately help my hair and make it healthier, but oh how it hurts to have it gone...I'll grieve it for a while but I'll get over it.If you would be interested in helping out this cause, the URL is www.locksoflove.org . The website gives more details of  how to go about donating hair and also has a gallery showing some the before and after shots of some of the recipients and a donor gallery. I encourage anyone to check this out, it's worthwhile and if I can do it , so can you!

What is the biggest lie you've told?
Submitted by lazywong.

That I've never lied before!! Seriously, why would I admit to a lie if there were the remote possibility of it being read by the person the lie was told to, unless I really wanted to come clean about it, then in that case I would have already told them!

Ohayo gozaimas!! Yep, yesterday was my birthday, and I'm proud to say that even though I am now 35 I don't feel any older than I did when I was 25. Oh there have been lots of changes, physically, but mentally I haven't gotten past 25. That's not really a bad thing, it doesn't mean I haven't matured, it just means I refuse to completely grow old and feeble without a fight ;}. I have gotten smarter, wiser and finally have my priorities in order, but it don't seem like that matters a whole lot, especially now that I have two teenage daughters who are under the common teen-age assumption that old equals senile. Ok, I'll admit at times I have extreme baka moments, but they really shouldn't make fun,after all, I am their mother and genetics cannot be ignored. Oh well, they'll figure it out one day, I seriously hope I get to see it!!
I'd love to report that I had a great birthday, filled with well wishes, presents, a yummy cake and all, but I'd be lying through my teeth if I did. The only thing I got was a card, a small present from my kids and husband and several dirty looks and rude remarks directed at me from my father- in- law and grandmother- in- law. I'm thankful for the thoughtfulness of my husband and kids, and I really feel sorry for the others, it's becoming increasingly obvious that they suffer from terminal ignorance. I do my best to ignore them, they can't help it if they had a poor upbringing and weren't taught manners. That's all I have to say about them, no need to dwell on the bad, always look forward for better things ne?!
Speaking of better things, I'm looking forward to getting some magazines featuring Jun that I won off of eBay! I know these have been already scanned and posted and well-drooled over, but this will be the first time I've actually had the privilege of owning the real thing. I suspect I'll have to fight my 13 yr. old for them, but maybe not, she's not nearly as big a fan as I am.
Next week I look forward to finishing my CNA refresher classes and applying for the state exam. Hopefully I'll not get nervous and screw up big time on the skills test. Then it's back to work I go, and then in August, back to school also. I'm bound and determined to finish nursing school and I'll be hanged if some crazed Algebra teacher is gonna ruin it. I've decided to apply as a transient student to another local college , take the class through them and continue on at my current school, but I just found out that this other school also offers a Chinese language class, so I may pick it up too. I love learning languages, and there are so many I want to learn, hopefully I'll learn enough to one day work overseas ne?
Well, it's getting late here and i have to rise and shine early to go teach Sunday school and all, so I'm out for now. Have a great day and be blessed!!

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Now playing: Arashi - Yes? No?
http://foxytunes.com/artist/arashi/track/yes%3f+no%3f

What's the hardest part about the role you play in your family?

In my family I am the wife, the mom , the housekeeper, the cook, the college student, the sunday school teacher, the girl's club coach, the bookkeeper, the secretary and the accountant. Everyone else has it so incredibly easy, my husband, well, his only real job is to work 5 days a week and earn the money for the bills. If he doesn't make enough to keep up, it falls on me to somehow drum up whatever we're lacking in. I get no help with anything around the house, I do the housework and any repairs if necessary or unless I complain to my husband about it. I would say the hardest part of this is that I get little to no time alone, unless I stay  up all night and give up sleep. I don't feel I get to spend quality time with my family because of the enormous workload I have and to be honest, I don't think anyone in my family cares if I'm around.